Wednesday, December 30, 2009

The truth behind violence

All the the violence has touched us in some 
way and to the extent of a mental breakdown. We realize we need
a change how does one change the world? Some say one act of
random kindness at a time, but I say but giving our love and care
to eachother, physco killers are people too and need love,
never forget even a physco killer or murderer is a person with a heart they just have
a pain inside them and it has driven them to do things of such and
such degreee and do not know how to deal with it, the time to take a stand has been here and in order for these people to stop killing they need love and care and to have their mind set at ease from the constant worrying as also the confusion.

Monday, December 28, 2009


Close friend wanted me to post this poem of his on my blog and its special to him and he can't seem to work with  his computer to get a blog up so here is his poem

I never really knew you You were just another friend But when I got to know you, I let my heart unbend. I couldn't help past memories that would only make me cry I had to forget my first love and give love another try So I've fallen in love with you and I'll never let you go I love you more than anyone I just had to let you know And if you ever wonder why I don't know what I'll say But I'll never let you go

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Explosion from within me

yesterday, I had a arguement with my mom and of course her fucking tone got me irritated cause after all  I couldn't get a word in and she pisses me off with that bitchy tone. It honestly felt great to cuss that bitch out heh no lie. I cussed her out so bad and called her bitch several times and maybe only cuss words I used were fucking, bitch, and damn. I did tell her what I think of her without hesitation. I swear she got mad as she could and it didn't scare me one bit and it only made me reach close to my peak. She kept yelling go to your computer I can't look at you. I stayed a minute  and cussed her some more haha. She just kept screaming at me and I finally left so she would shut up. So her bf gets home talks 2 me and of course says I'm wrong shes my mom and I shouldn't disrespect her or call her a bitch. I told him she is one and she acts like one and he is like no she's not shes your mother. He thinks she is a bitch every time they argue and yet I can't... Oh I think I can. Then after a while mom is like she gonna make me an appointment with the doctor to see if I need to see the the therepist about my anger. I get mad and stuff and she says He'll probally wanna see her too. This is something I have yet to admit to you my friends. That thing is. I DON'T BELIEVE IN FUCKING THEREPIST. I think all you need is just good friend or friends to talk to not a dang therepist. This concludes my rant.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Scars of depression

What I see when I listen to the song scars  on my playlist here on my blog is this.

A man standing looking up at the sky getting angry and depressed thinking of the current depressing events the world spinning around him as he grabs his head and falls to his knees as his head aches and he becomes immobile. He crys and sweats as tears run down his face he clutches his chest as he screams into the world wanting the love he now has lost. He gets up and walks around and the scene dissapears as he now sits in his house upon his bed. He is full of depression and someone walks in asking him questions and talking to him as he gets annoyed and yells and explodes in anger yelling get out. They didnt notice his depression and he doesn't wanna be bothered as he sits depressed.He crys more and wondering how to fix his life. He clucthes his chest again and feels the pain and heartache. He stands up and again the scene dissapears. He is in a forest and the loved one is there drowning in water he offer his hand and they reject it and so he yells at the loved one saying you should have never come and begins walking back home as he realizes he cared too much for them and it was hard to let them go. He is scared, but he moves on with his life still sad, but coming up from his depression.


This is a poem Ii have made and yes I know it doesn't rhyme It is just a poem.

Loved you for so long, feeling as if I found the one.

Then you come around and say you've loved someone else too.

You say you love us equally for now and maybe always.

Love is a gamble, you find someone you fall in love with them and you bet heartache and depression for love and happiness.

This bet to me was worth it for you and I always let you know how special you are to me.

The time now you tell me this  secreat of yours, I feel as if you  love him more. He will be your choice in love.

Everyone else went on without me and now I wait for you to do so.

You could say now that will never happen, but in your heart you know you will.

I'm sorry I fell for you, but then again who could resist you.

Sure enough not me at all, but that will leave me depressed once you leave.

I took the gamble and im loosing the bet, please don't let me loose, beacause when I said all those times I love you I meant it everytime with the strongest meaning possible.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

can anyone help me withy comp. mic problem?

So my comp. has this built in mic but i t recently stopped working all i know is this pic i have i circled this bar above mic volume which is balance bar on it for volume  its gray and wont let me adjust it can you tell what the problem is and how to fix my mic

Friday, November 27, 2009

When I leave I won't come back

When I leave this house... this place, I won't return here. I will stay clear of here forever and not once step foot on the grounds of here. I plan to do anything to get out and if it means ruining my education Damnit I will. Theres nothing that'll stop me! My obsession is to get out of here to be free. I shall not fail myself at this, I promise you I will suceed. I got no time for your lectures... My mind is made up. Happiness above it all and  education is what I desire.  I will leave here and never return. If I fail its death, do not fear that I will die for, I plan to suceed and win. Eternal happiness is what I want and you can't stop me form my actions. I'll leave on my quest and recieve my reward. Like it or not Love and happiness are my top priorities and if you don't like it I don't care. I will be free and no more depression sitting here wondering why it all happened to me. I will have love and happiness even if at risk of education and everything else. I'll put my body though hell if that is what it takes. I will win no doubt no matter how great the sacrafice. I know I want a lover no matter what you think, cause that is the intamicy In desire and it would help me get free. I need a lover face to face  to hold me and kiss me to let me know I am safe for now. Someone to keep me sane and loved. I need my hero and I will sacrafice what is needed for that to. Someone I can tell i'd come for them always.

Friday, November 13, 2009


Heard my message and makes it out to nothing. I think it is hard to make the time. Even on days off it has to be tough and time consuming on other important tasks at hand. I fell asleep to the sound of your words. I woke up to see you waiting. I only wake up and fall asleep to loneliness of missing  you. Please talk to me! I need you I need you. I have had you to thank from the start.You are the closets thing to a blood brother I got and far as im concerned we are true brothers. I need you like a little boy needs someone to tuck him in at night. Im the little boy who needs you and im crying out, but you don't seem to be able to answer... zacky... I need you.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Do I have a gurdian angel?

Life was fucked up then it keeps getting better how am I able to make it this far. Tell me what you know... do I have a guardian angel? Have I truly helped anyone in return? Guilty pleasures to love. I have it now and even though I need to get fully out of this hell hole, I am still finding more and more love. I know Ill make it now , but how did this happen... I  am curious to know what brought me and my friends here together and what brought us all to this point and on. I t don't matter much, but none the less I'd love to know.

Hurting on the inside

The pain of loosing my father lies in side everyday, it is a pain that will last a lifetime. I miss him and I need my dad and I know he'll never be back here. I want him home, but the truth is he is at home up in heaven. I am not in denial just  really upset. I am living a life without my father and full of sorrows. I wish i could tell my dad that I miss him and I love him very much. Life is horrible without him. I also would tell him I need him forever to keep me from going insane. I'm sorry for when I upset you and everything. I love you and wish you were still here so i could hug you and let you know hoe much I love you. I often cry of this new found lonelyness with the tears down my face as I cry and beg for him back. Please understand when i'm depressed you may not realize it, you do not care and that is why I hid it with anger. You would think i'm stupid for crying over it anymore. He was my dad and meant everything to me and you have no idea how close I was too him. I was closer to him than anyone else I know or ever will know or even know now. I always loved him and I still do with him in my heart.

Not coming home

Heres  a papa roach song i just heard and i believe it has some meaning and it and its a good song.

Lyrics: I feel asleep, to the sound
Of the church bells ringing out
In this quiet little town
I am dreaming.

I woke up to the sound
Of an angel crying out
Gotta leave this little town

Gotta move on

I'm not coming home, not coming home
This christmas I am all alone
I'm not coming home, not coming home
I am out here on the road(2x)

Gotta phonecall from my son
He said, dad, you're number one
Mommy's going nuts, think she's crazy
But your mother on the phone
I've gotta tell her she's not alone
Shes sick of waiting around
Then I tell her these words

I'm not coming home, not coming home
This christmas I am all alone
I'm not coming home, not coming home
I am out here on the road(2x)

Keep holding on,
It wont be long
But for now

I'm not coming home, not coming home
This christmas I am all alone
I'm not coming home, not coming home
I am out here on the road(2x)

Keep holding on,
It wont be long,
But for now

I'm not coming home

heres where you can listen to it :

Saturday, November 7, 2009

When is reveal time?

When will my answers be revealed and my problems be fixed? I need an answer peace. Is it reveal time for the love and help? I have the love I need now i follow my path for the answers I need. If I have the answers then reveal them to me. I take it here to hold in my hand the perfect life for me. I want this life and i strive for it. This is what I search for not love anymore, but simply the answers I deserve. Just as I got the love I deserve. I thought it pass me by although this isnt true. I need to know... when is everything to be  revealed to me?

How to bring understanding

I wanna bring them understanding, I wanna bring them the truth. They won't open their minds to consider anything at all. Exuses always with you. I don't care if you don't wanna listen to me. Just cause its me you think im wrong. Look at the truth your close minded and not open to understanding. I am more intellegent than you know. The feelings of yourself i realize are causing your actions. Actions affect people, people affect people in their own actions. Pain is a tough obstacle and is inflicted by all. Take in understanding to become a better person. Pain is only caused when one isn't stable. Accept understanding that i tell you and it will be ok. I can help you if you choose to listen. I offer truth and understanding please heed my words.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Why can't I?

I know the fields are we the children roam and play so why can't I? The kids find ways to have happiness so why can't I? The people around me have full lives so why can't I? I miss the ones who go out and have their friends and places. I feel alone sitting here at my computer while they all have such full lives. I miss you so much and I cry out... why can't I?! I'd come for you if you needed me, but lately you haven't needed me... although i've needed you. When your home you too tired. When you're gone I don't have you to talk to. Days off mean you relax and do nothing, Your days off I wanna spend with you. You seem to not wanna be online just to get alone time or see your friends more. I feel left out... you only come around these days to brag. Sorry the message is long, but this part is for one person I miss dearly. You think im fine now days. Truth is missing you cause me depression, I need you around cause you got me to this point. I'll defend your name through it all cause you were always there for me. Im sorry im so needy I just need you and am jealous of your full life. Happiness and all... I ask, I cry. Why can't I have a full life? Read my message cause I miss you and I need you to keep me sane and in check... I need your love and company. Without you it just isn't worth the hassle to fight. I'll fight and fight untill I win or if you some reason drift away and leave me. I will hold you to your words " i will never leave you" I believe you and I trust in your words. I am always thinking of you. My best friend in the whole world even hundreads of miles and way and have never met... your my brother and even though its not through blood it is through love. I love you zacky.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Through the eyes of a child

Only through the eyes of a child will the world look like a peaceful place. The world isnt a peaceful place, but though the eyes of a child it is a huge place with many secreats and fun things to do. Through the eyes of a teenager or adult life is full of ups and down, murdering and raping, and stress and  money issues. A child has no worries and can always bear a smile upon their face. They know not of the way the world turns and flows. They only see the good things the world has to offer. Perhaps we should learn from them and listen to their words as if they were the key to happiness. Chances are they know the true key to happiness and we are too stubborn to listen. Playing and fun is alright in my book. We never see that these little kids  who we think know nothing actually know the key to happiness. They have no worries or any stress. Their only concern is what they will do the next day and what they will eat. Can we learn from them or is it just impossible that could know the key to happiness something we search for and never find? They know what we want to know. Search the obvious places first and you may find it has been in your face all along.

Friday, October 30, 2009

Would you accept change?

I want to understand why people deny anything out of their control... are they afraid of change or is it just they don't care. Can people even understand. I can't help you fix yourself if your not willing to accept my help.  I give you examples such as homophobics, control freaks, and stubborn people. They are obsessed with denial of anything they don't want to accept. From gay haters to control freaks all around is denial. We can offer change, but those who are too far in or too deep, we can't help. I offer help in which you deny... I ask of you why?  Obsession of denial, refusal to accept... You make no sense. We can't win a battle with stubborn defenses. Your defense is your constant denial. Accept me, accept things, and accept anything that should be accepted. Your blind sighted by the fear of change. Anything abnormal to you is evil. I don't care what you were raised to believe... believe in what you believe as an individual. Cut yourself from the pack so you can find your own beliefs. If this are you true beliefs then I suggest you be more open minded. Keep in mind these changes and abnormal things are everywhere you look, only they are disguised. Tell me what you want to, but I you are not in the right mind if you refuse change. Ill fight with you if you let me... I want to help, but only if you let me. If you choose to not accept my gift of help then do not waste my time with your stubbornness... I have my own path to walk and you have yours. You are blindfolded untill that blindfold is removed to show you the truth. The blind fold will come off when you choose to look at the true meaning and accept... accept those things and people that you take no time to understand or even give a second thought. Look for the true meaning then accept it upon your beliefs. Understand it before you deny it.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Stones blocking the path

My path blocked by stones, what can I do? I am behind in schoolwork and don't take care of myself really. I just need to catch up with my schoolwork and take a shower. I need my cavities all filled then maybe my life will continue it's path. Things are in my way that I must clear. If I move it away ill have my streess relieved. I am stuck and running in circles. Help me through this for my path is blocked by stones. I need to get further on and see the other challenges in my way. This isnt a game. It is my life.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Meanings of life

We all search for our meaning to live, our meaning for life. It is what we want. I found my meaning to life atlast. My blog's name will be changed for i have found love i've searched for and no longer need to search. I have it and my time to embrace it is now. Friends helped me get to this point and I thank you all for caring and sticking with me.I am much happier ow days,but I must still get outta where i am now. Ill still get depressed and stuff untill I do. This place is holding me back from reaching my full potential and unlocking happiness. This has been a challenge to me, perhaps my biggest challenge ever. I must overcome every single obstacle in order for me to recieve my reward. I will stop and step off my path to help someone in need, but i will yet continue on my way when I have helped.

More pics

some picsrjust asweeter side of me and others r me being an ideot, enjoy

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Love is blood

Love is needed for you to live, without love we would eventually die, as if our blood drained slowly. If you have no blood, you will die. If you have no love you will loose any will to live and thus try suicide over and over till it is accomplished. You try to save them before it is done, their time is limited unless you can save them. The love you have is your blood. The blood of your feelings. Without any support for you, you enter depression. The depression goes deeper till it is thus deep depression. That drives you to try suicide and bad relationships cause this sometimes. A 16yr old commited suicide recently. He lived round my old city where I was born and raised till my dad died. He commited suicide cause like me and my mom.
They had a bad relationship. I had not realized that anyone at my church i confident it even a bit cared about me. Those who went and prayed were deeply sad. One told me they saw that boy dead on the slab and thought of me. They said they didn't wanna see me end up like that, my uncle aka the church's pastor told me the same. This world has suicide atempts everyday, think about the lives we could save, just look for the signs of depression.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Stabbed in the back

I thought I met two good friends that were around my age. I thought we were friends.  One of them asked to be my bf online. I accepted. I find two days later in the middle of our convorsation he pretends to not know who I am and act like his account was hacked. I know thats BULL SHIT. Forget him then? I talk to the other boy tellin him what just happened. The words that hurt me most were typed there.I explained what just happened he said in quote "I don't care" He then said he's confused, then that he was really busy and just said bye. I have been stabbed in the back. I wanna believe what they say is true. I know though it is all just lies. I have been abandoned again! I wanna get past this but, I was used by them.Damnit!! I never should have fallen for it all.Betrayed,backstabbed,and used. I want to kick this kid's fucking ass. We know I will never get that chance. I want to show that ass hole how much I am hurt. I wanna inflict pain on him. I know it aint right. I want to do it though. I will never get the chance, I need some time to heal...                                   

Friday, September 25, 2009

Am I to blame?

I go by every day and am blamed for everything just about, maybe it is all my fault. I do most of things as far as trash and few crumbs. I also sometimes break stuff not meaning to. My mom is always mad at me and it makes me wonder have I done something to cause this suffering of mine. I go on all day getting yelled at constantly. I am always put down and stuff. I wonder am I to blame for why everyone is mad at me around here. I've got no friends around me to hangout with. I never get to go anywhere. I am always stressed out and depressed. I am always yelled at by my mom and everyone is always angry towards me around here. I don't believe i'm innocent anymore. I may be the cause of all the stress. I just simply don't feel the love from my mom and if I can't feel it there then how can I be sure she loves me. Same goes for my brother. I have had enough. Tell me if I am to blame. If there is a reason for everything good and bad. Why is life like this. I used to be happier. I need love. Blood may be what I need to live as well. The most important thing to my survival in this suffering is love. I am feeling as if I am the cause of my suffering. One day ruined my life and I fear I have made it all worse. I fear to be around the people of this world now. I wonder if I am even sane anymore and what do people think about me when they see me. I leave it all to be where it is. If I try anymore to fix things it will only make things worse.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

What is right

What is right. Listen to the one who causes my suffering, or what i think is right. I listen when I know its right. I'm told what I do is wrong. I am never praised or even encouraged. My life went down the drain. One day led to this, I choose to believe God has a reason for this. What reason could my suffering have. I await my victory, maybe my victory will make it all worth it. You know I want love and encouragement. I never get the things that really matter. You give me the things I need and thats not even all the things I need. When I do something for you now, you do say thank you, but only cause I said something.You do it for the wrong reasons. You don't mean what you say, I am a boy wanting the love I do deserve! You don't give me that and I don't understand. I want you to tell me why, why you are so mean and such a bitch. I'd love to kick your ass. Nothing matters when I have a problem, but when you do or my brother or your damned bf does then its important. You only do something to shut me up. All the wrong reasons.  I am sick of this violence and arguing. I want peace. What is right! What is right! What is right! What is right! I have had a enough. Do not blind me. I know your not always right. I am right sometimes.You shove my imperfections in my face, but when i show you yours you only tell me to shut up and then jump back on me. I have had enough. What is right? It damn well is not the shit you put me through.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Lay it down

I don't care what you think of me or other people. You say I should, well I don't.  Fuck off, I don't care if I am only a kid, your a heartless human or so it seems. You call yourself a mother and yet you don't show your love. You argue I am just a kid and that I can't talk to you disrespectfully. You lost my respect, and if thats what it takes to get peace i'll keep telling you your not always right or to just calm down that if you didn't do this so much you wouldn't be stressed out. I love you and I will always love you, but you leave me with a unsettling about you. I am a kid yes, but I have the rights you do. Don't get in my face. I can be right and wrong. You never admit when your wrong little miss perfect. Mom let it all go you damn bitch. I blame you for my suffering. I live here with you and my life is hell. You are only here cause it would look bad if you didn't take me. I love you. Where is your love now. Your nicer to the cats than me. You crazy old cat lady haha. Lay it down, tell me why your like this. Don't you dare blame it all on me, your mad at me even when someone else makes u mad. You take it all out on me.Lay it down and lets talk, I want to, but you fight back when I try to have a calm agreement.  My bro your a jackass and always have hurt me. Even if you know I am right  you still go against me no matter what. Mom's bf is always out of my way till I get into it with my mom. Then he jumps in and well if I do disrespect him or argue back he might hit me with his fist like last time. You shoot down the peacemaker you assholes. Your egos are huge.I want peace and now I wait.I wait for when your ready for peace or I wonder if you ever will. I only talk badly to you all when you are talking to me in a bad tone. Don't ever say i'm the issue. You made my life a living hell in a way. I'm waiting to make peace.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Is it you or I that is fucked up

You say your a profesional you say you can help. You think being gay is a disease?!. The only disease here is you, you think to change me, you think to change my body. You want to change what God has made and I tell you now that is wrong. Yes I am gay and I can't control that. Have you ever thought maybe God made me this way.You kids laugh and joke bout gays and think a gay person will rape you? I say your retarded you believe in tv shows and movies. You believe the lies and that is why noone can be honest to u. You all wanna change us but where fine the way we are. Do not attempt to change me or there will be chaos upon these grounds on which we stand. I say to fuck off, get out of my way. Im here so to say right now and here I am gay and cannot help it and guys are more attracted to me than girls ever were and I am accepted finally. I have my lifeline, now I need someone next to me to help me end my suffering. I dont mean friends I mean a lifelong partner eve though I am young. I want that person in real life next to me to help me when I am down. I am gay and I accept it I am suffering an I accept it. I also accept my suffering will end. I will find my love one day so that they can always be by my side.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Sleeping on track?

The other day i stayed up 27hrs to get sleeping right again. It is the third day and I think I have kept it good am back on track. I hope it stays this way and I thank god I can wake up at decent hours and sleep at decent hours. I am so glad it ha stayed good for 3days in a row I hope so much it will stay decent.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Roses for the end

The end is near, yes very near. Do not say it's a long way away. The end is what im fighting for. Haha the end is what I want. The end I am talking about is the end of my suffering. Silly me, guess I should have mentioned that at the start. Ha oh well, the end I fight for is my redemption.The life I want is at the end of the suffering. The end of my pain. The end of my depression. The people around me know nothing of this. They do not care as my blogger friends do. I say now and say this form my heart. When it comes to my family, I can't tell them anything and it seems so hard to make peace with my mom. There has to be a ceartain reason why she is such a bitter ol bitch. HAHA. I a, on my knees today, but you don't notice me. You don't notice me in pain or depression. You only notice I act in anger. That reason is you always yell and make chaos and you were never ever even there. You came and went over and over.The drug use was too much for you. You left my father a single father of two boys. You could have stayed there for me. You didn't. You elft oevr and over again leaving me with the pain even though less and else each time, only because.i had gotten sued to it. I'd tell you how I feel, but I have already tried. You didn't listen, you said i was wrong. You think you were right and is none of my buisness and was your decision to leave. You never thought of how it would effect anyone. Hell even when you were on drugs at least you said "I love you" and cried for my sadness and disapointment in her. I say you cared when you were on drugs, but you love my brother more than me or so it so seems. I was never planned and my brother was if im not mistaken. My aunt and uncle claim sent me here to help people and that he told them I was to be born and am an evangelist. I don't know if that is true. My mother isa bitter bitch. She don't seem to love me and I question if she ever did. I am not depressed at the moment. I have said these things to tell you a bit more of why its a hassle to me with my depression. My mother never seems to love me now days. She stopped drugs 3-4yrs ago. I find it hard to keep peace. Almost impossible. Roses for the end of my suffering is what i'd like. I want to bury away this life of suffering as soon as I get out of it. I am not saying kill myself. I am not saying to die or be dead. I am saying bury the memories of this harsh life.

Life of love

I want a life of love, a life where I can have a bf as well as the friends I have now. I wanna boy in my life to always want me and love me forever under no conditions. I want him to love me for me and always have his hands down my pants rather I like it or not. I want a bf who will let me know i'm his and he is mine. I want a boy to tell me "I love you" each and every day. I want a boy in real life. I want a boy who is super cute and close to my age. I want a bf who can always say "I don't deserve you", so that he knows I am greatful and want to be his forever. I want a bf who yes sometimes makes me a sumbissive crying little slave boy, but just for when we get horny. I want a bf to always love me and not be a cheap relationship with a experation date for all to see. I want a bf who I can honestly be myself with. I want a bf who will never ever leave me. I want a bf to hold me when im scared. I want a bf who I can always please and make happy. Call me crazy for wanting this, call me crazy for wanting to be sumbissive. I want a bf in real life just like this. I want the bf of my dreams.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Pierced to regeneration

The shield we build around ourselves to prevent us from falling to depression and other things is sometimes pierced. It is up to us to regenerate it and keep going forward before depression gets the best of us. I know first hand what depression does to you and sometimes leads you to suicide. The friends I have now help me through hard times, and especially a close friend of mine Zack. It takes one person to make a difference. The difference can be good or bad depending on the actions. If all my friends just ignore me or insult me I feel depressed and upset. I rely on my friends that I know will help me, but I have to hold myself together till they get online to talk to me. Sometimes luckily, I regenerate my shield by thinking of my close friends. Call it fate that brought me and my friends together or you call it destiny. I know we were brought together for a reason. My blog is here to help me by bringing friends into my life, good friends. My blog may even help other people some how, but I came here not believing i'd have this many followers or friends. God planned it out for me to make this blog and he works in mysterious ways, we do question god when someone close dies but give it time and you can almost always see what has happened because of that person dying that you love. I benefited from my dad dying and I did end up in suffering, but it is worth the friends I have made and if i could go back in time and change the fact that my dad died, i wouldn't cause that would be selfish of me. He was very sick and suffering and him dying as a very good man always worshiping the lord jesus christ makes me realize he went to heaven no doubt. He lives in eternal happiness and for me to take that away even though impossible would be very selfish of me. I have friends that i would have never met if it wasn't for my dad dying. Some of these friends close and some not so close. I am greatfull for all my friends and my shield from depression stands strong in these hard times thanks to my friends, close ones or not so close.

Monday, September 14, 2009

One day

One day is all it takes for your little life to become hell. For me that day was when my dad passed away , the date forever burned into my head... feb 14 2008, I was 13 at the time and i am currently 14 turning 15 in 3months. I think about him everyday. The reality is that day. One's suffering ended and yet another's suffering began. To suffer is to feel constant pain or so thats my definition. don't know what the purpose of this is. I know i've met friends and all that I wudn't have if my dad didn't pass away. What is the purpose of my suffering. To help a man ... my dad who was very sick to die and go to heaven and reason eternal life and happiness with Jesus. To simply meet these friends. To just simply start going to church more? To explore my feelings or to share my word. I ponder this daily... and yet I cannot find an answer even as i ask god it's always the usual "im going to use you for great things and you must move on" or so I think it is my lord god speaking to me. I know peopletell me at my church iwas a miricale child god put me here to help people... all because my dad had a basectamie and wasn't suppose to have any more kids. I was a mistake if you just wanna get down to blunt terms. That day my dad died that one day my life turned to hell and now even though his suffering has ended my suffering began and is still continuing.

Better days

I've had better days, i've had worse days. These days im doing better. These days I have friends. Life is still tough on me and life is still not perfect. There will be a day when i'm at peace and nothing is there to stop me. All of us will have that day. The people in my life who matter the most seem impossible to turn around or or to convince that they are wrong sometimes. Selfish egos and very stubborn people they are. No budge at all and my words seem to have no effect at all or any bit helpful for some peace in my life. They turn my words into weapons in which it seems I hit them with. I try to keep peace and it ends in a fight. I ask you people is it my fault when I try to make peace that it end sup in fights or is it these people's fault mom her bf and my brother. It seems as they say that is my fault and my mom seems to blame me for not being able to sleep. I say and I say over and over I can't help it, I sleep too long and I must have insomnia. She bitches back at me and refuses to believe I am right and she is wrong. I know I must be right, for i never slept 10-12 hours in a long time and have usually been a light sleeper, but when i do fall asleep in mornings I am like a bear hibernating, I am in a deep sleep and seem to not be able to be woken up so easily. I ask you to tell me in this vote am I wrong in these arguements even if when I try to keep peace i argue back and yell when i am fought against and I do disrespect them , but they just don't show any care or love towards me. They always refuse to listen to reason.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Let me be Free

heres a song i just wrote

The wounds I bear come open once more and I feel the pain as I relive those days. Broken dreams and hurtful events cloud up my past. The good things I remember seem so distant. The world has changed and I can't even bear it. I wanted to die, but now I want to survive. I need friends to survive and especially love, I wanna know, can I fix my life.

Look at my life. This is life is hell, I want to get out, I want to be FREE. I came from love into darkness, as you follow close behind me. I want to get out of here, I see that there's darkness everywhere. I go though this horrible life enduring this pain, I go on with all this pain and I felt like I would die. I found some reasons why i should live. These reasons are ppl that i'm glad I met. These people helped me through these hard times. They care about me and I am on a search for love. I will tell you what I find. This begins My search for love.

The wounds I bear come open once more and I feel the pain as I relive those days. Broken dreams and hurtful events cloud up my past. The good things I remember seem so distant. The world has changed and I can't even bear it. I wanted to die, but now I want to survive. I need friends to survive and especially love, I wanna know, can I fix my life.

I found love once MORE! Let me be free, let me see now, the life i was missing out. There's nothing that i'd trade for my freedom. You say when i leave i'll be the happiest boy in the world.I hope your right, I wish it to be true.I question if the day will come. I wonder if your right. Could my life be free. I choose now to believe you, please don't let me down. Just let me be FREE. Just let me, just let me beeeee freeee.

The wounds I bear come open once more and I feel the pain as I relive those days. Broken dreams and hurtful events cloud up my past. The good things I remember seem so distant. The world has changed and I can't even bear it. I wanted to die, but now I want to survive. I need friends to survive and especially love, I wanna know, can I fix my life.

I know with this new found love I Can fix my life, I can survive. I will win this war and be set free. I have this love and care that I needed to get through this. I will win , I will survive. Nothing will stand in my way. I know i can get through this, I have the love I needed, so my heart goes on again. I wonder how far I should go. I guess it doesn't matter. I just have to say though. let me be free, let me beee freeeeeeeeee.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Sound the alarm

My heart is a beating life provider. This heart of mine if gone is gonna kill me. This heart of mine if it does not have love I will die within a matter of time. We all have different needs and wants. Love for me is not a want it is a need. I have that love once more and it will stay i swear it. You loose love, you become depressed, and when that depressed last it becomes deeper and deeper till you resort to your last resort... suicide. I am recovering from that deep depression. Money is the leats of your problems... we don't need to be rich. We need to be loved, love is not a want it is a need. I say without love there is no life. Without love you loose the war. With love you have your life. You win the war. You have happy times throughout your life.Sound the alarm, i'm ready for your war. Let the battle continue as i'm ready for my triumph. Sound the alarm a second time, I hear my victory. Where is the enemy i demand to see them. My enemy shall fall as I shall rise. I am not angry, but yet i'm at peace, even among the mist of war but, i know i will win this war with the love and friends i have there is no loosing, only winning for me. Sound the alarm. I am ready to take it all on. You fall apart as I fall together into the attack force that ascends a barrier around me which will protect me through the war as I go through and win I expect no casualties on my side.I say sound the alarm, i'm ready for my victory.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Life of struggle

My life is full of struggle. I lost my dad and my favorite dog. My second favorite dog ran away. My dogs everyone i've ever had died or ran away. I lost all love when my dad died. My family is disfunctional. I live with my mom my bro and mom's bf. I live in chaos in this house. I found friends who later betrayed me. I had lost it all. I come now to have friends again and love. My lie was hell, but now its healing. Things are calming down kinda. My blogger friends are nice and always care. I have one good friend in real life who always stuck with me. My dad once said, you never know who your real friends are till you really need them. he was right and i may rarely see or talk to my best friend in real life. I also have my blogger friends here to help me when i need it. My life is still a struggle, but that struggle makes me stronger and one day I can tell my story to those who wish to hear. I will get out of my struggle one day.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Wounded soldiers

The soldiers on the battle field in need of healing. Time and time again I plead to be revived and taken out of here. I follow the path that I must. I was blinded, but now i'm seeing i'm not alone. My reinforcements have come and helped save the day. I recover and ready for the next battle of my war. The allies of mine are my reinforcements and so have they helped me alot.I will always win these battles. I may loose physically, but mentally I know I have won. I have the knowledge to win and I will use it. I never dreamed I could win it. I see now I can with these new friends who I trust and love, for they love and trust me back. I see my enemies falling as I walk off to victory.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Do not hold back

I can't hold back if I am to win this fight. Holding back gives my enemy the advantage. In a way the enemy could kill me now. I'm left to live for now, for my will to fight let's me live. I won't let the enemy kill me.When that time comes that I can go and win this fight with my final strike. I can't hold back or else ill be stuck even longer. The war is not over till the final strike is thrown out. Don't matter if it's mine or the enemy's. I must be quicker and the first chance I get i will use that and never hold back. I will win the fight, no holding back or else I will loose.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009


I feel reckless in my mind and in my actions. My mind calls to me to tell me it's your call, live or die. The voices in my head say die. My friends say live. I have to say is, GOD SAVE ME FROM THIS MADNESS. Thank god I have my friends. I don't have to go this life alone anymore , thank you jesus. I wanna live on and so i struggle to. To kill myself is foolish and cowardly, though i want my death to be quick and painless.I don't think i will be dying anytime soon. I think of suicide, murder, and despair. I also think of friends, happiness, and love. These thoughts of mine are reckless, at least the bad ones. I wanna fight this battle and win with no casualties, I wanna win it with a smile upon my face with the satisfaction of overcoming this evil. I have the friends and love I need to do so. I cannot survive without love. The love and friendship is what keeps me alive and keeps me sane. With this love and friendship I can live. When I lost my dad, I had lost all the love I had and wanted to die. I have love again and know I can survive these rough times in my life. I will win this fight.

Monday, August 24, 2009


I remember times where people told me we will hangout again or i'll call you etc. Almost every time i never saw them again. I regret ever believing they were a real friend. You put me through depression without realizing it. That wouldn't have stopped you from not coming through if you had known this ahead of time. For me to shake these things off easily is hard for me. I can't seem to forget it and it's hurting me on the inside when I know i have been betrayed once again. You deceive me into believing were friends then you lie and i never see you again. Friends and family have betrayed me and i must choose my friends more carefully. My family however I am stuck with and wish nothing more but to never see them again on the grounds of this earth.


Once upon a time you live in denial, where something horrible happens to you. You deny it and deny not wanting it to be true. You think to yourself it is not true and i'm just going crazy. The truth is it is true and nothing will change it. My suffering was the same and how I denied to believe it. I know now it is real and always will be even when it is the past. my memories are burned in my memory, some better than others. I have memories of cops, arguments, and happy times. The past is real and there's no denying it and no denying the present. Denial at some point must fade for you to see the truth.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Clear the path

Clear my path of desperation, fear, depression, unlovedness,bullshit,and anger. I want to have a cleared path where I may walk and find the light. I am in darkness still but want to in find the light still. I know I can find it cause it is close. I want to be free and live happy. I wanna win this fight and end the war. Help me find the way to win this war, just help me my closest allies I cant win it all alone. I am outnumbered and was loosing. These allies of mine helped me and got me back in. My allies are there to keep me stable and encourage me. They fight by my side and are my closest friends.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Update since attempted suicide

I'm feeling better and am sorry to scare you all, but when I get deeply depressed and am alone I go for the knife and attempt it but its been a while since the last time. I am sorry all but i'm better now and will try not to attempt it again.

Another suicide attempt failed

They all went to bed, they needed their sleep. I was better after the talks. I was happy and went to my favorite chat room full of what was good friends. It started i got bullied and made fun of. The start of my depression and people not caring what i have to say only brought it deeper. Wrong place to go? I thought it was fine , and i was happy, laughing, and having a great time till the bulling started. Everyone but two leave the chat room and they continue the mockery and call me ugly and say I look retarded etc. Other things were said not related to my looks. I was told to get a life and many other things. I am whining bout nothing and its pointless to complain. I'm depressed over nothing I guess, i am just a whining complainer. Nothing to be depressed about. I left the chat and the voices start in my head. They tell me all these things before and they came true sadly. There is the reason i still listen to them. It all seems to come true. The tv shows begin showing loving another and make me mourn inside cause I don't have that. I really want it but I don't have that. The voices continue as my depression goes deeper and tears roll down my eyes. I have been unloved and my constant depression drives people to abandon me. I grab the biggest knife i find and stand in front of the mirror with the knife and run it against my throat. I try to slit but i can't, i'm too scared of the pain of dying. I put up the knife. There it is again, another suicide attempt failed...

Monday, August 17, 2009


The hearts in many are all different. It could be corrupted or full of love. We are all different and it goes good or bad. I am thinking i have a loving heart but I need help to get me out of my depression and i'm getting that help from this blog. I thank my friend thenaterhood (his online name) for telling me bout this place. I have made friends already and need their support. I believe the prayer I got that night not long ago is coming true. They said god said I was going 2 have good friends come into my life and so it begins I thank you all and I want you all to stick with me please. Thank you all so much and please continue to help me, and please do not abandon me please. I want to find the light at the end of this tunnel and find a way to survive through this horrible life. Maybe turn it round to a good life if i'm lucky enough haha.

Sunday, August 16, 2009


I get no respect from anyone and they expect me to give them respect. I say fuck you jackass and you won't get any respect till you give me some. I will never let you take a win over me again and I know i'll always be the better person.I say you leave me out and leave me loveless. You say I get no respect cause i am a kid. I will tell you now, I deserve respsect you damned jackass.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Can i find the light at the end of my tunnel

I search still and find little hope , but maybe the light is at the end of the tunnel yet. I wanna be there already, but maybe I need to do things to earn it? I am unsure of wait i need to face, but I am determined to get there to my freedom. I want to destroy the evil but when depression takes it's toll i then must battle and rest. I do get stronger though from these countless battles. The struggle continues and so does my story.

I hate my sleeping habbits

I go to bed at 2-3 am and wake up 10-12hrs later and it sucks. I don't wanna wake up at 3pm cause the whole day is gone. I wake up on a couch cause my bro has the only extra bed. I wake up sore and hot. I feel swollen and like fucking shit. I feel like fucking roadkill.

I feel abondaned

MY friends online are the only ones I have. The ones I am close to we instant message alot. Last night voices in my head made me see the truth. They rarely talk to me and I can no longer confide in them. They stopped caring and are always claim to be busy. I feel like ive done nothing with my life. My 15yrold friend is in hs and achievs so much already and he always tells me wat he has accomplished anything new he tells me, extra work for college credits running many activities etc.All my other things they can do. The ones who cared don't seem to care anymore. Life was so much easier when they probally just pretended to care. Now I am driven closer to the nights i spent looking in the mirror, big knife to my throat, my tears hitting the blade as I try to slice my throat and fall dead. I hear once again the voices in my head, they repeat the old words I heard so often. " Take thy knife and end thy life, it will end your pain and suffering, just take thy life and let your blood hit the floor and you will be free"

Blamed to break evrything

I break things alot and i don't know why but when i don't do it and i still get blamed it seems so easy for me to b e blamed. I mess everything up just about ad break alot of things so maybe I deserve this? That can't be right can it? I just want peace but that will never happen soon. I wanna live without being blamed for things i didn't do even if i do a lot of things wrong. Let me not be a victim of false blame no matter what my past is.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

How do you say your safe now

You see it only in movies and in real life if said it would be a lie. We are never safe from danger , sorrow, depression , demons , spirits, or many other things. There is always someone or something out there to keep u depressed or sad, or really anything. Never believe your safe forever. because you are not . You only are for the time being.
I want to sleep and wake to something important. I can't do that yet and its irritating. I feel worthless and have been called so many times. I wanna do something important so i'm not worthless, but i cant yet and i look every for that chance. Please show me something so i can be of use and not be worthless anymore.

Will to fight

We all want to do something in life and we decide that within ourselves. If we have to fight we have the will to fight untill it dies out. Then again some of us don't have the will to fight and we loose the fight and suffer. I fight now and my will is burning out I hope to win before I give up. I have motovations like most anyone and fight and fight. I don't know if that is enough though...


I explore many songs and artists. I relate to these songs and artists. I feel like it describes me and I listen to them so often that these songs ring in my ears. Then i hear the new album their life is turned around, but is it possible for mine to turn around as well. Please tell me please.

Gone in an instant

Every time i get happy or am having fun it is ruined in an instant. I try not to think anything of it but i am never happy for long. This life of mind is depressing and mostly happyless. I find little pleasure in life and i have tried suicide many times and all I want is happyness that will last . Happyness may just impossible to obtain that will last even for a little while and to come back every so often. I think i'm doomed to love a horrible depressing life, but maybe not. I will continue searching for the answer along with my search for love.

Monday, August 10, 2009


Life is like a tightrope where we walk and try to keep balance. We try not to fall so we walk one foot in front of the other. We struggle and wobble. but maintain our balance untill we are hit and dragged down. If it were a circus there would be a net... but this is real life and you hit the ground and you die. Keep your balance and do not fall in life if you want to live through it. Stay well balanced.


We live in chaos and sin, but do not seem to be bothered by it till it hits close like lightning in a storm. Then we cry and mourn and wonder where we went wrong. I say that is bullshit, we should not just care if it is close to us but the fact that more suffering has hit us all in the world. You say it don't matter cause it is miles away from you. It will come and get you one day but for now you choose not to care andI think that is wrong of you not to care.

Sunday, August 9, 2009


I know to my religion being gay is wrong and being gay is not a choice. I am gay and cannot be straight cause i am not attracted to women and i cant help it. Is gay really wrong or is it fine as i think it is. I hope one day I get all my sexual desires.

Someone save me

I cry for help and do not seem to be heard. I cry again and still no one. I cry a third time and now I wait to be heard. I wonder if ill be heard or just ignored. Maybe no one will hear me yet. Ill keep crying out and waiting for an answer, but for now i wait and hope ill be saved soon.

Saturday, August 8, 2009


We make friends and loose friends throughout our lives. How may of us can say we kept all our friends? I can say i lost many friends which weren't true friends to begin with. I have few friends i can trust but i hold the m close to help me through hard times. I wanna be free of torture, pain and suffering and i know my close friends will help me. I begin my battle and fight through it clearing the path with my army ( my close friends) the battlefield is packed and furious but i will win and settle for nothing less.

Religon real or false

I can say in my heart religion is true, but people seem to think other wise even though religion is the true answer in my heart. Religous fights usually get nowhere and only end up causing a feud, though religion well at least my religion is peaceful and i think it should just be brought to people's hearts and show the m the right way.

Why am i ugly or am i cute

I look at myself in the mirror evry day i see uglyness but finally ican take apic and upload and i look cute is there a diffrence in the views, am i really cute?

Thursday, August 6, 2009


Here is a song I wrote

I have been fighting for my life in what seems like hell, i don't see why i should keep on. I see no light at the end of this tunnel all i can see is complete darkness and incompletion.

This life as you call it seems to burn me alive in these flames that burn in my path. The devil's plan would see me rot in his wrath. I follow my lord jesus christ I listen to the words of my preachers. Twisted life is what i live even with my lord my life seems like in my eyes as i sit on the bleachers, just watching my life cause pain. Look at me and tell me what you see there is no gain. This is not a game!

I have been fighting for my life in what seems like hell, i don't see why i should keep on. I see no light at the end of this tunnel all i can see is complete darkness and incompletion

These scars i bear leave the past on my skin. The past is real and unforgiven as there is no win. I move on and ive found my friends and a brother online that will see me through the end. I have the friends that love me and say they will stick with me through thick and thin of evry bit of my life in insanity as i tend. I tend to my wounds and I have help and soon my life will be nothing but happiness.

Can you feel the love

Can you feel the love now or is it just me. I think i'm all alone now because no one seems to believe in love anymore but i will continue searching and ill sail away towards it as soon as i find its location.
Lord ill try to carry on and find the love which for all i know could be right in front of me, maybe i'm just blinded and can't find it, but i will continue my search through these tough times.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Why do we struggle

Why do we struggle. Can anyone give that answer? Will we ever reach peace or at least temp. peace? I belive we will one day and will be eternal peace. I believe in a time where we will have forever peace and no wars but just happiness and praise. The reason for this is my religion and my heart. The thing to always remember is for a world of peace you must first become a better person.

Sail away

We all want to sail away and find our freedom and love. The big problem is we don't know how to get there yet, so we search endleslly and wait fo our ride to sail us away.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009


Carry me by paparoach

I've been looking for something sacred
Running away from the light
Gotta burn all the bridges in my head
That lead my away from my life
I question my own existence
Question the meaning of life

Why dont you carry me
Why dont you carry me
I can't move on
I can't live on
Carry me
Why dont you carry me
I can't save me
I am crazy

Without you

It takes horns to hold up my halo
and strength to get trough the fight
Now I'm laying my cards on the table
praying that everything will be alright
I question my own existence
Question the meaning of life

Why dont you carry me
Why dont you carry me
I can't move on
I can't live on
Carry me
Why dont you carry me
I can't save me
I am crazy

Without you

The hardest ones to love
are the ones that need it most
The hardest ones to love
are the ones that need it most
The hardest ones to love
are the ones that need it most
The hardest ones to love
are the ones that need it most

Why dont you carry me
Why dont you carry me
I can't move on
I can't live on
Carry me
Why dont you carry me
I can't save me
I am crazy

The hardest ones to love
are the ones that need it most
The hardest ones to love
are the ones that need it the most
The hardest ones to love
are the ones that need it most
The hardest ones to love
are the ones that need it the most

Carry me (carry me)
Carry me
Carry me (carry me)
Carry me
Carry me (carry me)

To hear this song click the play button for the song on this page

Fucked up mornings

I wake up to be yelled at. My breakfast, if any, is mcdonalds. I am tired of all the fast food for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I get yelled at more and more for things I did and didn't do. No use arguing because mom is a bitch. She wont compromise for anything.

Wins some loose some

They say you win some and you loose some well, I have yet to win some, why do i continue to loose, cause i think for me its you loose them all and you win none. Life sucks for me so don't play with my emotions . You call me weak or stupid , anything to make you feel surperior. I will one day win.

Monday, August 3, 2009

So much for brotherly love

They call it tough love, brotherly love maybe you all have that love but me and my bro are not the same case a brother is someone u can run to when u need help and need to confide in well in my case a bro is one to avoid at any situation and if i try to confide in him he pushes me out on my way saying he doesn't give a shit.