Wednesday, December 8, 2010

The day I left the womb

I thought i'd post a song that describes my life story or at least some of it. The part of my horrible mother... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jae7G6OAc3Y

Monday, November 15, 2010

Revenge?

Is it so bad to want revenge or no? I am confused in this life...I lost my loved one to the damned well lets just say...my closest friend was a rat. It is so hard to live without my true love... tho I have also fell in love with this aussie boy whos hot and a great singer... so kind. Idk if I can love like I did for my true love.. I don't know who to turn to anymore my only person to guide me on this earth is no longer apart of my life sadly.... HELP ME SOMEONE. I need guidance I cannot do this alone im only scared and confused... please I dont wanna be alone

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

One track mind

I seem to believe I usually have a one track mind. I focus mainly on getting out of this place and moving on with my life. Getting away from these people and be where im happy as I have said alot before. I feel tho this is my main focus and I don't know if it is a bad thing. I do have my friends I care about and everything. Then again if the chance came along to get out of here even if I would have to leave my friends for a period of time I would jump at the chance. No offense to my friends but this is my main focus. I do know I would never abandon my friends forever. I will say this though. I learn from the battles. My happiness now is something I strive to keep. I will never let depression take my life as long as I have who I need to survive. I love my friends and my friends are my family. I will never let depression do to me what it did before...in the beginning of what has come something great... the love I searched for and found happily.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

I swear i love the ones i care to protect

I look at this life and i see your struggles I wish I cud help but thats not possible for everyone I do what I can for god or for myself or for the ones i love... my fav quote is " I don't neglect the ones i care to protect"

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Sunday, May 2, 2010

OUT OF THE CLOSET

I'm as shocked as you are... and my mom took it well... and she actually suspected it?! ok before I start typing confusion here ima stop but... WHAT THE FUCK?! THAT EASY! OMFG! DAMN!

What would he think of me now

I wonder what my dad would think of what i've become.. A gay 15 yrold who has been questioning religion. Caring bout friends more than family. I am unsure if he'd be proud of me. I love my dad... but what could he think of me now... I care so much for my friends and have my own beliefs... I am an individual...

Thursday, April 29, 2010

HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY! You know I love it when your down on your knees im a junkie for the way that you please! OH! I love music even if the lryics are ditry I love them( even if it turns me on) Haha I am in such a dirty mood. I wanna say this. Do you people think gay is a choice and if so, why. If not why. I am curious for your opinions. I had argument with a friend today. He thinks gay is a choice(I know he is bi though he may be gay) and I disagree with him. I believe it isnt a choice. What are your thoughts?

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Fuck family they are all backstabbers

I went to the therepist today with my mom... professional help oh thats great! SOS help im gonna go on a rampage in my head.
The therepist thought I was racist... which I am not. We started talkin bout why I am not in public school she says I will grow up to be a scared man... Oh by that point I wanted to throw her through that window and watch her fall twelve stories. I find out my half bro printed out all my recent facebook messages and showed my mom. I was starting to think I could trust him.This is fucked up. Fuck family. Duck your professional help. I don't need them I got friends I can trust. I swear my half bro.... He is outta his fucking mind! When I think I can trust someone. Its the same ol story. He's lost he's outta his fucking mind!

Sunday, April 25, 2010

My respect

To earn my respect you have to be nice to me and care about me love me as a friend who whatever just love me. You cannot make me depressed and talk bad about me ... then my respect would surely fall in you. I do not care if your my mom, my bro, a random adult. You earn and can loose my respect. If you give me no reason to respect you well I show you none. You disrespect me when you talk bad bout me. My family has no respect from me cept 1-3 ppl in it. I do find that my half brother seems to care that I never knew till recently. As for the rest FUCK THEM. You have to understand my family as in the ones I share the blood... nothing to me. My family that is my friends are everything to me. I love you all

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Three of my meanings

Theres three meanings to life for me t hat I live by. Those are 1. Love is always required. 2. Friends to keep you company and love you. The third is Helping everyone to be happy... what did you expect to say family ... if you did you must not know me. I love my friends. They piece me back together when I fall apart. I do need the love and my friends. I also give it back to people as well. I love my friends so very much. I wish all my friends happiness.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

rememberin

past two days or so I have been thinking about my dad alot. I remember all the times we had. Even lastnight I dreamed my fav memory of him holding me as I slept. I love him and miss those times. It was ok if I was scared, it was ok if I were in need of someone to hug. He was there always was. I had him in my life then the day comes to change it all. Nothing I is really ok. When I am scared it isnt ok. When I need someone to hug I am all alone. one day can change ur damn life. You finally see the world for the shit that it is. It takes and steals from you. Thee is love and happiness. Im happy now ... just not as happy as i'd like.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

For all of you

Found this vid on youtube and its so special and it said to throw in you r own pics etc and dedicate to someone. I may not have pics or anything but ill who you it to all of you in deddication of you all. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PYp0GVzmLgY

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Wow these people blow my mind

Ok so I was on youtube and someone was telling people to go suscribe to these people who are 11 brothers and sisters. (wow) I thought ok im curious i'll look. It blew my fucking mind. They sing amazingly! OMG you know I am not a advertising asshole but please look at their youtube channel they are just amazing I mean 2 days ago or so they had 545 suscribers or so now its over 17000 cause of who advertised it. People love them. The channel comments for their page is over flowing. Check them out their just amaizng http://www.youtube.com/user/FanninEleven#p/u/0/UG4Ly5DBn1Y

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Is love like blood

video

sorry for any bad sound or video quality.

Smiling or stress

Leave to love or stress stay in stress longer and bring in more stress or leave to love. Tell me what you think I should do. I want to smile not be stressed out. I always say love is blood. This life of mine is dead if i have no love. tress or leave to love. Tell me oh tell me which do you think I should do? I know what I think is right.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Inside me

I know the world is confusing and We can't be sure of anything anymore. I found love inside myself. I found it and I never expected too. I don't care bout being succesfull. I care bout being in a place im loved and cared about rather than rich and famous. You can tell me I need to worry bout education and stuff. I understand I need an education. I do not think I will go on to college. I would rather spend that time getting away from it all here and I know you will say go to college and get a better education so you can move out then. I need to leave as soon as I people. I want you to understand I wanna put love before myself and education. I will put love before everything even money and jobs. I will put love before dreams and even more. I would spend my life in a place of love instead of the fame and money. I would spend my life loved in the streets rather than in rich home and cars. I need none of that stuff. I put what is first for me and that is love. I say screw the educators who say I am wrong. LOVE comes first. You can't tell me love is pointless. I love first before anything. I found love and struggle inside myself and I swear this I have. The struggle I keep beating it and continue to.

Friday, March 5, 2010

DONE WITH IT!

Never again am I adding msn contacts from blogger ever. I am tired of this... not naming anyone I am having issues with some of them. I don't talk to them oh I'm not a good friend. I am here at my comp. almost 12-16 hrs a day and you dare tell me we never talk and it's my fault?! Oh im sorry I can't go watch tv in the other room im sorry you care so much and it hurts when we can't talk. Im so sorry I want time to myself. I am sorry im such a fuckin problem with watching tv for a little while or playing a game uh im a fucking teenager. Yes your my friend. No I don't message you all the time cause I feel if your wantin to talk to me then just message me I don't mind. I don't notice when everyone is online I have so many friends on msn. I am sorry you see it this way. Left my heart open for you and helped you and you helped me. You want to throw this out... FUCK... fine. I don't need the drama now please calm down or just stop... I am sorry. I just wanna be friends and please stop the arguing.

Look at this place

This is the world we live in and fight in. I cannot say stop the fighting. I say find love and friends and fight back. We need to survive not to fall. We need to stay in fight and help others and we need to do it now. I swear we need the love and friends and I am your damn proof. Live a lie and fall live the truth and survive .My eyes tell a story of sorrow and happiness. Which on is more powerfull you decide. I think you know. Look into my eyes read my story as if it were an open book. I have nothing in my story to hide. Look at the place we call our homes. Usually theres something behind closed doors. Some times it is as it appears to be. Rather sex, drugs, crime, or any kind of abuse. Watch the ambulances and police. Watch the fires burn and look at the scared people. We are finding it harder to be happy are we not? I think we need to be happy with love to fight. If we fight depressed it seems pointless or so I think. Are you happy and can you fight. If so help others to be happy and find love. To fight as well. Listen to me and how I speak. I have seen the place we live in... this world. No more secreats, no more lies. It is time to find the truth and fight for our lives. We may be worth saving in the long run. We all deserve the love. Find the truth in this world and you may get depressed... read the signs of people. You will know what I mean. Find friends and love then fight back.

if not me then who if now then when

If it isn't me to get free then who will. If not to get my freedom then when the fuck will I get it. Friends made me realize I will get free and soon. I know if I can get free others can too. I saw people come and go. I tell you one fucking thing. The little kids in this world are babied too damn much. By the time you learn for real that life is fucked up. Your already suffering. I think we need to stop telling these lies to these little kids and I don't care how young they are if they can go to school and talk. You must teach them about the realworld. Not the fake world you show them and say you can make friends and the world is so happy.Stop that bullshit! The world is a struggle and fight. I can get through it with friends yes, but it sure as hell isn't a happy life. You say to the little kids just walk away from fights and drugs. You cannot always do that no!. Fights sometimes cannot be avoided. Prepare the young kids while they are young so they have a better chance to take on the world then we who have suffered now. I know it isn't surefire and I know they might not be happy. If you continue liying to them. It won't turn out good usually. The world kills. Stop the lies before its too late. Save these lives while their young. Parents who think this is wrong. Think to yourselves. You want them to know how to fight life and depression or end up suicidal. The way to save lives starts wit showing little kids the truth.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

I know what I shalll do

My dream is to be a singer and I don't mean any jonas brothers, mileycryrus, and fuckin disney bull shit. I mean independent self story songs. I wanna be like my fav band papa roach. I wanna be singing my mind. Telling you what I think and how I feel about everything. I don't care what disagreements it would bring. You don't like you don't listen. I wanna be having a good time and telling you my stories in my music and music videos. Don't care if im number one. I want people listening to me and thats all I want. I wanna show you my mind and the places of it and I will sing it at the top of my lungs screaming into your ears. Letting my story be told and you will hear what I have to say while rocking out to the music as I scream and sing as best I can to sound well. I will not just be loud, I will tell the truth and sing it well. Do not fear the words I say I promise it will sound good and not just a loud screaming maniac. I cannot garuntee however I wouldn't be crazy.

Monday, March 1, 2010

I'm getting away with happiness????????

It's been a few days since me feeling depressed. I find it amazing I lasted so long. Im finding it easier to get though life with friends. It is love and friends that get me through I love you all. I don't know how I am makin it through. It is a miricale and life goes on and I love the friends I've made and kept.

I wish you knew my side

Wish you knew how I feel. Wish you knew what I mean. Wish you knew my hate for you. Wish you knew how much I wanna get away. Wish you knew how much I despies you. My mother my ass. Your not much of one and that much I know. Don't tell me I am wrong, do not say you know right. I have seen the pain I've endured during my stay here. I want nothing more than to be away, You say you know when you don't. I know it's all I got right now. It doesn't seem fair. I make the best of what I got. With the internet as my lifeline, my getaway. Reallife is so complicated. When yet here I can let myself free and let my mind wonder as I listen to the music to set my mind at ease. I will forgive, but I wont forget and I hope you know you've lost my respect. That is one of my favourite song quotes. Those are some of my feelings towards my mom. Your fucking game is senseless. I get depressed cause of you... you fucking bitch. I hate your guts to the fucking core. I love and respect my friends.... but ceartainly don't respect you.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Whats up with you kids and fathers

Today I hear about kids and talk to them who all say they have bad fathers and good mothers. I don't understand how a father could be so bad... compared to my life their opposite of me. I have bad mom and a good father. I don't wish them to die without having a good father. I know what good father is like and I wish they could have them too. These mothers... I have no fuckin clue what makes them so great. These kids could say the same about my dad. My dad was loving and caring for me and I miss him so much. Idon't understand how a father can be so bad. I think they need to step the fuck up and be a damn loving father! I don't give a shit whats going on in your lives you assholes. You have a kid and their your responsibility. You should love them and care for them. Not be abusive and unlvoing. Don't be uncaring... be the father you should be. Loving and caring. be accepting of your kids and don't let go. Love them not hurt them.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Two year aniversary

Today febuary 14, 2010 is the two year aniversary of the day my dad passed away. I miss him so much and it seems like yesterday I was just sitting round with him watching tv happily. I look at the day he died and I remember hearing the news in my principal's office and I sat there stunned. I had to cry and I could not do it around everyone there. I got to my new home... and I cried my eyes out. I lost my father... the man who raised me and loved me more than anyone I knew. I think to this day how my life could have been if it never changed. I see that the house would have been lost and everything. I still would have had my dad and that is all that matters. I would love him always and no matter what I will never stop. It seems so silly to think I would live in a roach infested house living off church bringing us food. I wanted to stay there with my dad for two reasons. One e was my dad and I loved him so dearly that I would take care of him in his sick conditions. Two I was happy with my life. I love that I have friends here and I still wonder why god would make my life like this. It seems that the friends I made here helped me through eevrything and even though i question religion now. Thank god for you all. Thank you all for your help and love and care. I love you all. My life goes on on this earth and it is cause of you all, my friends who have been with me this far and continue. Love in me is all I need.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Am I to believe this is what I get

I gave my life to help people and care about them I showed them compassion and love. I get nothing in return atleast not something that lasts. I instead end up depressed again and rewardless for my efforts and friendship. Why do I do these things and yet im always punished and put in this mess. Is there a damn god. I am here and I say I am tired of it and I don't know what anyone wants anymore. They all get to be happy and I don't IT IS NOT FAIR! Why am I left. how come I am left suffering? Why am I so hard to love? Well this don't make sense. I helped so much I gave so much. What the hell is it with this world that hates me so much! I am just an outcast... help me... I wanna be happy even though it never stays. I wanna be happy, but it just isnt in my favor to have a happy life.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

How can you believe religion anymore

How is religion truthful anymore when you have so many beliefs. It is corrupted by man and people have twisted god's word. How can it be said this is the truth. The truth lies within god they say. Ask god and he will answer. They say talk to god and you will know the truth. If god is there and cares why did he take my dad... why did he put me in this mess. Why do I have to suffer and watch people be happy. Sure I have friends and no offense... but, no matter how many friends I have it can't compare to my dad. I want a way out I have tried praying. I get nothing of an answer. You expect me to believe there are miracles... I will believe you when I get the hell out of here. I don't know what you want me to do! I will not freaking take your lies anymore. I want the truth and tell me now. Is this so called fucking religion real or fake. Tell me is my dad even happily in heaven... or just gone forever. Will I ever see him again or is this so called religion a lie. I believe in love and being good are we here to worship god or live our lives tell me the answers someone. I want them and I hate hearing you don't have the answers. I am begging for the answers and do not tell me the I have to ask god bull. I want the truth.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Saturday, January 30, 2010

How i feel about my mom (she loves me not by papa roach)

Just a song and a pic of me posing the song is about how I feel about my mom and sometimes I feel I could end the relationship and` not be her son anymore I don't feel she is much of a mom.
video

Thursday, January 21, 2010

I swear I dont' care

I try to make it through my life in my way is you. I don't care if you die or live at the moment. I swear I don't care. I try to make you see my side and yet you don't. All I hear is your nagging and bitching. I don't care what you think of me or anything. Get back on the drugs you were better then. My last memory of you when it was happyish I was sitting in your lap at your work. My dad and his gf came and wanted me to come back they didn't me spending the night with you. They got the cops and everything. Gun threats and all. Though before that it was fun I remember you told me you love me. I didnt talk to you for months after that and I cried, because they wouldn't let us talk. They said you were this and that I however, didn't believe them. I realize now they were right and your wrong. I was an innocent boy till you come round and show me your unloving attitude. I wanna say that I don't care what you think of me anymore! I am gonna leave you behind. I know you had ahardlife and that is no reason to make my life depressing. Your in my way and I am. If you were dead I wouldn't love you like I used to. I am not your little boy anymore and haven't been in awhile. I am your enemy. I swear I don't care what you say. I will leave you behind and betetr my life. I don't care what you sya and I promise you I will not stay. I will better off with out you... my family I am better off with out them. I say about the regret you will have after while of me gone. I say to that. I DON'T CARE!

Monday, January 18, 2010

Kick it

I throw you outta my mind when I listen to music cause now I am relaxed. I kick you from my mind. I am here to say screw you!. My bro the anti social lazy bum and my bithcing mom. I throw them from my thoughts when listening to music unless it's a song that directs my anger towards them. Which gets my fustrationm. Right now my back and neck hurt as always and I don;t feel like doing anything . I just woke up 3hrs ago almost. I had some dreams one of my dad. I feel as if there is a reason. I wont search for it, because I know it will come to me. I say now never sleep on a couch. I leave you with a word of care and that is Thank you for coming and please stay with me and my blog.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Fuck your assumptions

I never know what you want from me, I don't understand. I get blamed for things I d and don't do it. The thing is you already assume its me. Assuming I did it you ask me and I say no. That makes you believe I did it more cause you say I never admit to anything. I have lately admitted to stuf I have done. That didn't change a thing and you knew it wasn't that. I did what you wanted and your not pleased. I am done trying to please you and I gotta say your an ungreatful bitch. I choose to believe my blog friends who tell me how good I am instead of how bad and they never yell at me. You got issues bitch and I dont know how, but somehow your gonna have shut the fuck up and leave it alone. Your assumption sare hasty and your not very perfect yourself you bitch. I know how much of a good mother you were when you were on drugs and since you got off drugs you are nowhere near even being another. Your not a even mother to me in my opinion. Your just some crazy bitch I have to put up with for a little while.

Friday, January 15, 2010

The purpose

When you are young you see the world as a great place and have not a care in the world. Then you grow up and see the place for what it is. ( this is written by a friend of mine on blogger his blog is called demon lion's blog) You soon search for a purpose in life and want to be useful. You search and search for your purpose so you can fulfill it and without a purpose in life you might as well already be dead. We convince ourselves of these things that are our purpose in life, when they may turn off to be the wrong one. We continue searching with a itching depression knocking at our hearts and we try to cope with it. We want our purpose in life, our purpose to live. The usefulness of ourselves is what we yourn for and we want people to care about us and love us. Then theres the love we want the one love we need more than anything in the world, The one thing we would forever search for as well as our purpose in life and it seems to be hard to find, but it is not impossible. We can make it in life and find our treasures and live our life in happiness. I know I can find the 2 things I search for so dearly. A BF and my purpose in life. The purpose I believe for me is helping others and caring for them. The one person I would risk it all for maybe they are just under my nose and maybe not. As the lryics of a song says " I'd fight for you" and when I know who the true person is to be my bf a real bf a bf in physical sense. I know I will fight for them and I could meet them anywhere and maybe I have already met them. I search and wish my search would end. The search however is the easiest part. The hard part is fighting for that person and showing them how much you'd do for them. Wait actually that is the easy part. The hard part is not falling for the fake ones.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

I want you to stop bringing it up

I am tired of my brother trying to spy on me like he is a little kid and tell my mom what I do which starts arguing then he gets mad at me for getting mad. This isdriving me insane, I want to kick some ass and tear his world inside out. I don't understand why he has to be so annoying and start getting me mad. He starts a fuse and it gets me angry and him angry. Is this a game to him or what no matter what I say he puts the blame back on me and this is making me go insane. I can't take this anymore nobody here cares about how I feel and when I get out of here I have one thing left to say and that is Don't follow me or track me down and remember the pain you caused me. I shall leave in victor yas they get angry with my last words to them and I am to be in freedom of this chaos when they still live in their own BS.

Cam pics













felt like doing a few

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Reason to live

video

Thank you all so much for your love I mean wow your so nice I never thought I would meet such people with such big hearts.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Wednesday, January 6, 2010