Friday, September 25, 2009

Am I to blame?

I go by every day and am blamed for everything just about, maybe it is all my fault. I do most of things as far as trash and few crumbs. I also sometimes break stuff not meaning to. My mom is always mad at me and it makes me wonder have I done something to cause this suffering of mine. I go on all day getting yelled at constantly. I am always put down and stuff. I wonder am I to blame for why everyone is mad at me around here. I've got no friends around me to hangout with. I never get to go anywhere. I am always stressed out and depressed. I am always yelled at by my mom and everyone is always angry towards me around here. I don't believe i'm innocent anymore. I may be the cause of all the stress. I just simply don't feel the love from my mom and if I can't feel it there then how can I be sure she loves me. Same goes for my brother. I have had enough. Tell me if I am to blame. If there is a reason for everything good and bad. Why is life like this. I used to be happier. I need love. Blood may be what I need to live as well. The most important thing to my survival in this suffering is love. I am feeling as if I am the cause of my suffering. One day ruined my life and I fear I have made it all worse. I fear to be around the people of this world now. I wonder if I am even sane anymore and what do people think about me when they see me. I leave it all to be where it is. If I try anymore to fix things it will only make things worse.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

What is right

What is right. Listen to the one who causes my suffering, or what i think is right. I listen when I know its right. I'm told what I do is wrong. I am never praised or even encouraged. My life went down the drain. One day led to this, I choose to believe God has a reason for this. What reason could my suffering have. I await my victory, maybe my victory will make it all worth it. You know I want love and encouragement. I never get the things that really matter. You give me the things I need and thats not even all the things I need. When I do something for you now, you do say thank you, but only cause I said something.You do it for the wrong reasons. You don't mean what you say, I am a boy wanting the love I do deserve! You don't give me that and I don't understand. I want you to tell me why, why you are so mean and such a bitch. I'd love to kick your ass. Nothing matters when I have a problem, but when you do or my brother or your damned bf does then its important. You only do something to shut me up. All the wrong reasons.  I am sick of this violence and arguing. I want peace. What is right! What is right! What is right! What is right! I have had a enough. Do not blind me. I know your not always right. I am right sometimes.You shove my imperfections in my face, but when i show you yours you only tell me to shut up and then jump back on me. I have had enough. What is right? It damn well is not the shit you put me through.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Lay it down

I don't care what you think of me or other people. You say I should, well I don't.  Fuck off, I don't care if I am only a kid, your a heartless human or so it seems. You call yourself a mother and yet you don't show your love. You argue I am just a kid and that I can't talk to you disrespectfully. You lost my respect, and if thats what it takes to get peace i'll keep telling you your not always right or to just calm down that if you didn't do this so much you wouldn't be stressed out. I love you and I will always love you, but you leave me with a unsettling about you. I am a kid yes, but I have the rights you do. Don't get in my face. I can be right and wrong. You never admit when your wrong little miss perfect. Mom let it all go you damn bitch. I blame you for my suffering. I live here with you and my life is hell. You are only here cause it would look bad if you didn't take me. I love you. Where is your love now. Your nicer to the cats than me. You crazy old cat lady haha. Lay it down, tell me why your like this. Don't you dare blame it all on me, your mad at me even when someone else makes u mad. You take it all out on me.Lay it down and lets talk, I want to, but you fight back when I try to have a calm agreement.  My bro your a jackass and always have hurt me. Even if you know I am right  you still go against me no matter what. Mom's bf is always out of my way till I get into it with my mom. Then he jumps in and well if I do disrespect him or argue back he might hit me with his fist like last time. You shoot down the peacemaker you assholes. Your egos are huge.I want peace and now I wait.I wait for when your ready for peace or I wonder if you ever will. I only talk badly to you all when you are talking to me in a bad tone. Don't ever say i'm the issue. You made my life a living hell in a way. I'm waiting to make peace.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Is it you or I that is fucked up

You say your a profesional you say you can help. You think being gay is a disease?!. The only disease here is you, you think to change me, you think to change my body. You want to change what God has made and I tell you now that is wrong. Yes I am gay and I can't control that. Have you ever thought maybe God made me this way.You kids laugh and joke bout gays and think a gay person will rape you? I say your retarded you believe in tv shows and movies. You believe the lies and that is why noone can be honest to u. You all wanna change us but where fine the way we are. Do not attempt to change me or there will be chaos upon these grounds on which we stand. I say to fuck off, get out of my way. Im here so to say right now and here I am gay and cannot help it and guys are more attracted to me than girls ever were and I am accepted finally. I have my lifeline, now I need someone next to me to help me end my suffering. I dont mean friends I mean a lifelong partner eve though I am young. I want that person in real life next to me to help me when I am down. I am gay and I accept it I am suffering an I accept it. I also accept my suffering will end. I will find my love one day so that they can always be by my side.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Sleeping on track?

The other day i stayed up 27hrs to get sleeping right again. It is the third day and I think I have kept it good am back on track. I hope it stays this way and I thank god I can wake up at decent hours and sleep at decent hours. I am so glad it ha stayed good for 3days in a row I hope so much it will stay decent.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Roses for the end

The end is near, yes very near. Do not say it's a long way away. The end is what im fighting for. Haha the end is what I want. The end I am talking about is the end of my suffering. Silly me, guess I should have mentioned that at the start. Ha oh well, the end I fight for is my redemption.The life I want is at the end of the suffering. The end of my pain. The end of my depression. The people around me know nothing of this. They do not care as my blogger friends do. I say now and say this form my heart. When it comes to my family, I can't tell them anything and it seems so hard to make peace with my mom. There has to be a ceartain reason why she is such a bitter ol bitch. HAHA. I a, on my knees today, but you don't notice me. You don't notice me in pain or depression. You only notice I act in anger. That reason is you always yell and make chaos and you were never ever even there. You came and went over and over.The drug use was too much for you. You left my father a single father of two boys. You could have stayed there for me. You didn't. You elft oevr and over again leaving me with the pain even though less and else each time, only because.i had gotten sued to it. I'd tell you how I feel, but I have already tried. You didn't listen, you said i was wrong. You think you were right and is none of my buisness and was your decision to leave. You never thought of how it would effect anyone. Hell even when you were on drugs at least you said "I love you" and cried for my sadness and disapointment in her. I say you cared when you were on drugs, but you love my brother more than me or so it so seems. I was never planned and my brother was if im not mistaken. My aunt and uncle claim sent me here to help people and that he told them I was to be born and am an evangelist. I don't know if that is true. My mother isa bitter bitch. She don't seem to love me and I question if she ever did. I am not depressed at the moment. I have said these things to tell you a bit more of why its a hassle to me with my depression. My mother never seems to love me now days. She stopped drugs 3-4yrs ago. I find it hard to keep peace. Almost impossible. Roses for the end of my suffering is what i'd like. I want to bury away this life of suffering as soon as I get out of it. I am not saying kill myself. I am not saying to die or be dead. I am saying bury the memories of this harsh life.

Life of love

I want a life of love, a life where I can have a bf as well as the friends I have now. I wanna boy in my life to always want me and love me forever under no conditions. I want him to love me for me and always have his hands down my pants rather I like it or not. I want a bf who will let me know i'm his and he is mine. I want a boy to tell me "I love you" each and every day. I want a boy in real life. I want a boy who is super cute and close to my age. I want a bf who can always say "I don't deserve you", so that he knows I am greatful and want to be his forever. I want a bf who yes sometimes makes me a sumbissive crying little slave boy, but just for when we get horny. I want a bf to always love me and not be a cheap relationship with a experation date for all to see. I want a bf who I can honestly be myself with. I want a bf who will never ever leave me. I want a bf to hold me when im scared. I want a bf who I can always please and make happy. Call me crazy for wanting this, call me crazy for wanting to be sumbissive. I want a bf in real life just like this. I want the bf of my dreams.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Pierced to regeneration

The shield we build around ourselves to prevent us from falling to depression and other things is sometimes pierced. It is up to us to regenerate it and keep going forward before depression gets the best of us. I know first hand what depression does to you and sometimes leads you to suicide. The friends I have now help me through hard times, and especially a close friend of mine Zack. It takes one person to make a difference. The difference can be good or bad depending on the actions. If all my friends just ignore me or insult me I feel depressed and upset. I rely on my friends that I know will help me, but I have to hold myself together till they get online to talk to me. Sometimes luckily, I regenerate my shield by thinking of my close friends. Call it fate that brought me and my friends together or you call it destiny. I know we were brought together for a reason. My blog is here to help me by bringing friends into my life, good friends. My blog may even help other people some how, but I came here not believing i'd have this many followers or friends. God planned it out for me to make this blog and he works in mysterious ways, we do question god when someone close dies but give it time and you can almost always see what has happened because of that person dying that you love. I benefited from my dad dying and I did end up in suffering, but it is worth the friends I have made and if i could go back in time and change the fact that my dad died, i wouldn't cause that would be selfish of me. He was very sick and suffering and him dying as a very good man always worshiping the lord jesus christ makes me realize he went to heaven no doubt. He lives in eternal happiness and for me to take that away even though impossible would be very selfish of me. I have friends that i would have never met if it wasn't for my dad dying. Some of these friends close and some not so close. I am greatfull for all my friends and my shield from depression stands strong in these hard times thanks to my friends, close ones or not so close.

Monday, September 14, 2009

One day

One day is all it takes for your little life to become hell. For me that day was when my dad passed away , the date forever burned into my head... feb 14 2008, I was 13 at the time and i am currently 14 turning 15 in 3months. I think about him everyday. The reality is that day. One's suffering ended and yet another's suffering began. To suffer is to feel constant pain or so thats my definition. don't know what the purpose of this is. I know i've met friends and all that I wudn't have if my dad didn't pass away. What is the purpose of my suffering. To help a man ... my dad who was very sick to die and go to heaven and reason eternal life and happiness with Jesus. To simply meet these friends. To just simply start going to church more? To explore my feelings or to share my word. I ponder this daily... and yet I cannot find an answer even as i ask god it's always the usual "im going to use you for great things and you must move on" or so I think it is my lord god speaking to me. I know peopletell me at my church iwas a miricale child god put me here to help people... all because my dad had a basectamie and wasn't suppose to have any more kids. I was a mistake if you just wanna get down to blunt terms. That day my dad died that one day my life turned to hell and now even though his suffering has ended my suffering began and is still continuing.

Better days

I've had better days, i've had worse days. These days im doing better. These days I have friends. Life is still tough on me and life is still not perfect. There will be a day when i'm at peace and nothing is there to stop me. All of us will have that day. The people in my life who matter the most seem impossible to turn around or or to convince that they are wrong sometimes. Selfish egos and very stubborn people they are. No budge at all and my words seem to have no effect at all or any bit helpful for some peace in my life. They turn my words into weapons in which it seems I hit them with. I try to keep peace and it ends in a fight. I ask you people is it my fault when I try to make peace that it end sup in fights or is it these people's fault mom her bf and my brother. It seems as they say that is my fault and my mom seems to blame me for not being able to sleep. I say and I say over and over I can't help it, I sleep too long and I must have insomnia. She bitches back at me and refuses to believe I am right and she is wrong. I know I must be right, for i never slept 10-12 hours in a long time and have usually been a light sleeper, but when i do fall asleep in mornings I am like a bear hibernating, I am in a deep sleep and seem to not be able to be woken up so easily. I ask you to tell me in this vote am I wrong in these arguements even if when I try to keep peace i argue back and yell when i am fought against and I do disrespect them , but they just don't show any care or love towards me. They always refuse to listen to reason.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Let me be Free

heres a song i just wrote

The wounds I bear come open once more and I feel the pain as I relive those days. Broken dreams and hurtful events cloud up my past. The good things I remember seem so distant. The world has changed and I can't even bear it. I wanted to die, but now I want to survive. I need friends to survive and especially love, I wanna know, can I fix my life.

Look at my life. This is life is hell, I want to get out, I want to be FREE. I came from love into darkness, as you follow close behind me. I want to get out of here, I see that there's darkness everywhere. I go though this horrible life enduring this pain, I go on with all this pain and I felt like I would die. I found some reasons why i should live. These reasons are ppl that i'm glad I met. These people helped me through these hard times. They care about me and I am on a search for love. I will tell you what I find. This begins My search for love.

The wounds I bear come open once more and I feel the pain as I relive those days. Broken dreams and hurtful events cloud up my past. The good things I remember seem so distant. The world has changed and I can't even bear it. I wanted to die, but now I want to survive. I need friends to survive and especially love, I wanna know, can I fix my life.

I found love once MORE! Let me be free, let me see now, the life i was missing out. There's nothing that i'd trade for my freedom. You say when i leave i'll be the happiest boy in the world.I hope your right, I wish it to be true.I question if the day will come. I wonder if your right. Could my life be free. I choose now to believe you, please don't let me down. Just let me be FREE. Just let me, just let me beeeee freeee.

The wounds I bear come open once more and I feel the pain as I relive those days. Broken dreams and hurtful events cloud up my past. The good things I remember seem so distant. The world has changed and I can't even bear it. I wanted to die, but now I want to survive. I need friends to survive and especially love, I wanna know, can I fix my life.

I know with this new found love I Can fix my life, I can survive. I will win this war and be set free. I have this love and care that I needed to get through this. I will win , I will survive. Nothing will stand in my way. I know i can get through this, I have the love I needed, so my heart goes on again. I wonder how far I should go. I guess it doesn't matter. I just have to say though. let me be free, let me beee freeeeeeeeee.