Saturday, August 29, 2009

Sound the alarm

My heart is a beating life provider. This heart of mine if gone is gonna kill me. This heart of mine if it does not have love I will die within a matter of time. We all have different needs and wants. Love for me is not a want it is a need. I have that love once more and it will stay i swear it. You loose love, you become depressed, and when that depressed last it becomes deeper and deeper till you resort to your last resort... suicide. I am recovering from that deep depression. Money is the leats of your problems... we don't need to be rich. We need to be loved, love is not a want it is a need. I say without love there is no life. Without love you loose the war. With love you have your life. You win the war. You have happy times throughout your life.Sound the alarm, i'm ready for your war. Let the battle continue as i'm ready for my triumph. Sound the alarm a second time, I hear my victory. Where is the enemy i demand to see them. My enemy shall fall as I shall rise. I am not angry, but yet i'm at peace, even among the mist of war but, i know i will win this war with the love and friends i have there is no loosing, only winning for me. Sound the alarm. I am ready to take it all on. You fall apart as I fall together into the attack force that ascends a barrier around me which will protect me through the war as I go through and win I expect no casualties on my side.I say sound the alarm, i'm ready for my victory.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Life of struggle

My life is full of struggle. I lost my dad and my favorite dog. My second favorite dog ran away. My dogs everyone i've ever had died or ran away. I lost all love when my dad died. My family is disfunctional. I live with my mom my bro and mom's bf. I live in chaos in this house. I found friends who later betrayed me. I had lost it all. I come now to have friends again and love. My lie was hell, but now its healing. Things are calming down kinda. My blogger friends are nice and always care. I have one good friend in real life who always stuck with me. My dad once said, you never know who your real friends are till you really need them. he was right and i may rarely see or talk to my best friend in real life. I also have my blogger friends here to help me when i need it. My life is still a struggle, but that struggle makes me stronger and one day I can tell my story to those who wish to hear. I will get out of my struggle one day.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Wounded soldiers

The soldiers on the battle field in need of healing. Time and time again I plead to be revived and taken out of here. I follow the path that I must. I was blinded, but now i'm seeing i'm not alone. My reinforcements have come and helped save the day. I recover and ready for the next battle of my war. The allies of mine are my reinforcements and so have they helped me alot.I will always win these battles. I may loose physically, but mentally I know I have won. I have the knowledge to win and I will use it. I never dreamed I could win it. I see now I can with these new friends who I trust and love, for they love and trust me back. I see my enemies falling as I walk off to victory.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Do not hold back

I can't hold back if I am to win this fight. Holding back gives my enemy the advantage. In a way the enemy could kill me now. I'm left to live for now, for my will to fight let's me live. I won't let the enemy kill me.When that time comes that I can go and win this fight with my final strike. I can't hold back or else ill be stuck even longer. The war is not over till the final strike is thrown out. Don't matter if it's mine or the enemy's. I must be quicker and the first chance I get i will use that and never hold back. I will win the fight, no holding back or else I will loose.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Reckless

I feel reckless in my mind and in my actions. My mind calls to me to tell me it's your call, live or die. The voices in my head say die. My friends say live. I have to say is, GOD SAVE ME FROM THIS MADNESS. Thank god I have my friends. I don't have to go this life alone anymore , thank you jesus. I wanna live on and so i struggle to. To kill myself is foolish and cowardly, though i want my death to be quick and painless.I don't think i will be dying anytime soon. I think of suicide, murder, and despair. I also think of friends, happiness, and love. These thoughts of mine are reckless, at least the bad ones. I wanna fight this battle and win with no casualties, I wanna win it with a smile upon my face with the satisfaction of overcoming this evil. I have the friends and love I need to do so. I cannot survive without love. The love and friendship is what keeps me alive and keeps me sane. With this love and friendship I can live. When I lost my dad, I had lost all the love I had and wanted to die. I have love again and know I can survive these rough times in my life. I will win this fight.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Betrayal

I remember times where people told me we will hangout again or i'll call you etc. Almost every time i never saw them again. I regret ever believing they were a real friend. You put me through depression without realizing it. That wouldn't have stopped you from not coming through if you had known this ahead of time. For me to shake these things off easily is hard for me. I can't seem to forget it and it's hurting me on the inside when I know i have been betrayed once again. You deceive me into believing were friends then you lie and i never see you again. Friends and family have betrayed me and i must choose my friends more carefully. My family however I am stuck with and wish nothing more but to never see them again on the grounds of this earth.

Denial

Once upon a time you live in denial, where something horrible happens to you. You deny it and deny not wanting it to be true. You think to yourself it is not true and i'm just going crazy. The truth is it is true and nothing will change it. My suffering was the same and how I denied to believe it. I know now it is real and always will be even when it is the past. my memories are burned in my memory, some better than others. I have memories of cops, arguments, and happy times. The past is real and there's no denying it and no denying the present. Denial at some point must fade for you to see the truth.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Clear the path

Clear my path of desperation, fear, depression, unlovedness,bullshit,and anger. I want to have a cleared path where I may walk and find the light. I am in darkness still but want to in find the light still. I know I can find it cause it is close. I want to be free and live happy. I wanna win this fight and end the war. Help me find the way to win this war, just help me my closest allies I cant win it all alone. I am outnumbered and was loosing. These allies of mine helped me and got me back in. My allies are there to keep me stable and encourage me. They fight by my side and are my closest friends.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Update since attempted suicide

I'm feeling better and am sorry to scare you all, but when I get deeply depressed and am alone I go for the knife and attempt it but its been a while since the last time. I am sorry all but i'm better now and will try not to attempt it again.

Another suicide attempt failed

They all went to bed, they needed their sleep. I was better after the talks. I was happy and went to my favorite chat room full of what was good friends. It started i got bullied and made fun of. The start of my depression and people not caring what i have to say only brought it deeper. Wrong place to go? I thought it was fine , and i was happy, laughing, and having a great time till the bulling started. Everyone but two leave the chat room and they continue the mockery and call me ugly and say I look retarded etc. Other things were said not related to my looks. I was told to get a life and many other things. I am whining bout nothing and its pointless to complain. I'm depressed over nothing I guess, i am just a whining complainer. Nothing to be depressed about. I left the chat and the voices start in my head. They tell me all these things before and they came true sadly. There is the reason i still listen to them. It all seems to come true. The tv shows begin showing loving another and make me mourn inside cause I don't have that. I really want it but I don't have that. The voices continue as my depression goes deeper and tears roll down my eyes. I have been unloved and my constant depression drives people to abandon me. I grab the biggest knife i find and stand in front of the mirror with the knife and run it against my throat. I try to slit but i can't, i'm too scared of the pain of dying. I put up the knife. There it is again, another suicide attempt failed...

Monday, August 17, 2009

Heart

The hearts in many are all different. It could be corrupted or full of love. We are all different and it goes good or bad. I am thinking i have a loving heart but I need help to get me out of my depression and i'm getting that help from this blog. I thank my friend thenaterhood (his online name) for telling me bout this place. I have made friends already and need their support. I believe the prayer I got that night not long ago is coming true. They said god said I was going 2 have good friends come into my life and so it begins I thank you all and I want you all to stick with me please. Thank you all so much and please continue to help me, and please do not abandon me please. I want to find the light at the end of this tunnel and find a way to survive through this horrible life. Maybe turn it round to a good life if i'm lucky enough haha.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Respect

I get no respect from anyone and they expect me to give them respect. I say fuck you jackass and you won't get any respect till you give me some. I will never let you take a win over me again and I know i'll always be the better person.I say you leave me out and leave me loveless. You say I get no respect cause i am a kid. I will tell you now, I deserve respsect you damned jackass.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Can i find the light at the end of my tunnel

I search still and find little hope , but maybe the light is at the end of the tunnel yet. I wanna be there already, but maybe I need to do things to earn it? I am unsure of wait i need to face, but I am determined to get there to my freedom. I want to destroy the evil but when depression takes it's toll i then must battle and rest. I do get stronger though from these countless battles. The struggle continues and so does my story.

I hate my sleeping habbits

I go to bed at 2-3 am and wake up 10-12hrs later and it sucks. I don't wanna wake up at 3pm cause the whole day is gone. I wake up on a couch cause my bro has the only extra bed. I wake up sore and hot. I feel swollen and like fucking shit. I feel like fucking roadkill.

I feel abondaned

MY friends online are the only ones I have. The ones I am close to we instant message alot. Last night voices in my head made me see the truth. They rarely talk to me and I can no longer confide in them. They stopped caring and are always claim to be busy. I feel like ive done nothing with my life. My 15yrold friend is in hs and achievs so much already and he always tells me wat he has accomplished anything new he tells me, extra work for college credits running many activities etc.All my other things they can do. The ones who cared don't seem to care anymore. Life was so much easier when they probally just pretended to care. Now I am driven closer to the nights i spent looking in the mirror, big knife to my throat, my tears hitting the blade as I try to slice my throat and fall dead. I hear once again the voices in my head, they repeat the old words I heard so often. " Take thy knife and end thy life, it will end your pain and suffering, just take thy life and let your blood hit the floor and you will be free"

Blamed to break evrything

I break things alot and i don't know why but when i don't do it and i still get blamed it seems so easy for me to b e blamed. I mess everything up just about ad break alot of things so maybe I deserve this? That can't be right can it? I just want peace but that will never happen soon. I wanna live without being blamed for things i didn't do even if i do a lot of things wrong. Let me not be a victim of false blame no matter what my past is.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

How do you say your safe now

You see it only in movies and in real life if said it would be a lie. We are never safe from danger , sorrow, depression , demons , spirits, or many other things. There is always someone or something out there to keep u depressed or sad, or really anything. Never believe your safe forever. because you are not . You only are for the time being.
I want to sleep and wake to something important. I can't do that yet and its irritating. I feel worthless and have been called so many times. I wanna do something important so i'm not worthless, but i cant yet and i look every for that chance. Please show me something so i can be of use and not be worthless anymore.

Will to fight

We all want to do something in life and we decide that within ourselves. If we have to fight we have the will to fight untill it dies out. Then again some of us don't have the will to fight and we loose the fight and suffer. I fight now and my will is burning out I hope to win before I give up. I have motovations like most anyone and fight and fight. I don't know if that is enough though...

Music

I explore many songs and artists. I relate to these songs and artists. I feel like it describes me and I listen to them so often that these songs ring in my ears. Then i hear the new album their life is turned around, but is it possible for mine to turn around as well. Please tell me please.

Gone in an instant

Every time i get happy or am having fun it is ruined in an instant. I try not to think anything of it but i am never happy for long. This life of mind is depressing and mostly happyless. I find little pleasure in life and i have tried suicide many times and all I want is happyness that will last . Happyness may just impossible to obtain that will last even for a little while and to come back every so often. I think i'm doomed to love a horrible depressing life, but maybe not. I will continue searching for the answer along with my search for love.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Tightrope

Life is like a tightrope where we walk and try to keep balance. We try not to fall so we walk one foot in front of the other. We struggle and wobble. but maintain our balance untill we are hit and dragged down. If it were a circus there would be a net... but this is real life and you hit the ground and you die. Keep your balance and do not fall in life if you want to live through it. Stay well balanced.

Crazyness

We live in chaos and sin, but do not seem to be bothered by it till it hits close like lightning in a storm. Then we cry and mourn and wonder where we went wrong. I say that is bullshit, we should not just care if it is close to us but the fact that more suffering has hit us all in the world. You say it don't matter cause it is miles away from you. It will come and get you one day but for now you choose not to care andI think that is wrong of you not to care.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Gayness

I know to my religion being gay is wrong and being gay is not a choice. I am gay and cannot be straight cause i am not attracted to women and i cant help it. Is gay really wrong or is it fine as i think it is. I hope one day I get all my sexual desires.

Someone save me

I cry for help and do not seem to be heard. I cry again and still no one. I cry a third time and now I wait to be heard. I wonder if ill be heard or just ignored. Maybe no one will hear me yet. Ill keep crying out and waiting for an answer, but for now i wait and hope ill be saved soon.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Friends

We make friends and loose friends throughout our lives. How may of us can say we kept all our friends? I can say i lost many friends which weren't true friends to begin with. I have few friends i can trust but i hold the m close to help me through hard times. I wanna be free of torture, pain and suffering and i know my close friends will help me. I begin my battle and fight through it clearing the path with my army ( my close friends) the battlefield is packed and furious but i will win and settle for nothing less.

Religon real or false

I can say in my heart religion is true, but people seem to think other wise even though religion is the true answer in my heart. Religous fights usually get nowhere and only end up causing a feud, though religion well at least my religion is peaceful and i think it should just be brought to people's hearts and show the m the right way.

Why am i ugly or am i cute


I look at myself in the mirror evry day i see uglyness but finally ican take apic and upload and i look cute is there a diffrence in the views, am i really cute?

Thursday, August 6, 2009

FIGHTING IN HELL

Here is a song I wrote




I have been fighting for my life in what seems like hell, i don't see why i should keep on. I see no light at the end of this tunnel all i can see is complete darkness and incompletion.


This life as you call it seems to burn me alive in these flames that burn in my path. The devil's plan would see me rot in his wrath. I follow my lord jesus christ I listen to the words of my preachers. Twisted life is what i live even with my lord my life seems like in my eyes as i sit on the bleachers, just watching my life cause pain. Look at me and tell me what you see there is no gain. This is not a game!

I have been fighting for my life in what seems like hell, i don't see why i should keep on. I see no light at the end of this tunnel all i can see is complete darkness and incompletion



These scars i bear leave the past on my skin. The past is real and unforgiven as there is no win. I move on and ive found my friends and a brother online that will see me through the end. I have the friends that love me and say they will stick with me through thick and thin of evry bit of my life in insanity as i tend. I tend to my wounds and I have help and soon my life will be nothing but happiness.

Can you feel the love

Can you feel the love now or is it just me. I think i'm all alone now because no one seems to believe in love anymore but i will continue searching and ill sail away towards it as soon as i find its location.
Lord ill try to carry on and find the love which for all i know could be right in front of me, maybe i'm just blinded and can't find it, but i will continue my search through these tough times.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Why do we struggle

Why do we struggle. Can anyone give that answer? Will we ever reach peace or at least temp. peace? I belive we will one day and will be eternal peace. I believe in a time where we will have forever peace and no wars but just happiness and praise. The reason for this is my religion and my heart. The thing to always remember is for a world of peace you must first become a better person.

Sail away

We all want to sail away and find our freedom and love. The big problem is we don't know how to get there yet, so we search endleslly and wait fo our ride to sail us away.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

 

Carry me by paparoach

I've been looking for something sacred
Running away from the light
Gotta burn all the bridges in my head
That lead my away from my life
I question my own existence
Question the meaning of life

Why dont you carry me
Why dont you carry me
I can't move on
I can't live on
Carry me
Why dont you carry me
I can't save me
I am crazy

Without you

It takes horns to hold up my halo
and strength to get trough the fight
Now I'm laying my cards on the table
praying that everything will be alright
I question my own existence
Question the meaning of life

Why dont you carry me
Why dont you carry me
I can't move on
I can't live on
Carry me
Why dont you carry me
I can't save me
I am crazy

Without you

The hardest ones to love
are the ones that need it most
The hardest ones to love
are the ones that need it most
The hardest ones to love
are the ones that need it most
The hardest ones to love
are the ones that need it most

Why dont you carry me
Why dont you carry me
I can't move on
I can't live on
Carry me
Why dont you carry me
I can't save me
I am crazy

The hardest ones to love
are the ones that need it most
The hardest ones to love
are the ones that need it the most
The hardest ones to love
are the ones that need it most
The hardest ones to love
are the ones that need it the most

Carry me (carry me)
Carry me
Carry me (carry me)
Carry me
Carry me (carry me)






To hear this song click the play button for the song on this page http://www.elyrics.net/read/p/papa-roach-lyrics/carry-me-lyrics.html

Fucked up mornings

I wake up to be yelled at. My breakfast, if any, is mcdonalds. I am tired of all the fast food for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I get yelled at more and more for things I did and didn't do. No use arguing because mom is a bitch. She wont compromise for anything.

Wins some loose some

They say you win some and you loose some well, I have yet to win some, why do i continue to loose, cause i think for me its you loose them all and you win none. Life sucks for me so don't play with my emotions . You call me weak or stupid , anything to make you feel surperior. I will one day win.

Monday, August 3, 2009

So much for brotherly love

They call it tough love, brotherly love maybe you all have that love but me and my bro are not the same case a brother is someone u can run to when u need help and need to confide in well in my case a bro is one to avoid at any situation and if i try to confide in him he pushes me out on my way saying he doesn't give a shit.