Friday, November 27, 2009

When I leave I won't come back

When I leave this house... this place, I won't return here. I will stay clear of here forever and not once step foot on the grounds of here. I plan to do anything to get out and if it means ruining my education Damnit I will. Theres nothing that'll stop me! My obsession is to get out of here to be free. I shall not fail myself at this, I promise you I will suceed. I got no time for your lectures... My mind is made up. Happiness above it all and  education is what I desire.  I will leave here and never return. If I fail its death, do not fear that I will die for, I plan to suceed and win. Eternal happiness is what I want and you can't stop me form my actions. I'll leave on my quest and recieve my reward. Like it or not Love and happiness are my top priorities and if you don't like it I don't care. I will be free and no more depression sitting here wondering why it all happened to me. I will have love and happiness even if at risk of education and everything else. I'll put my body though hell if that is what it takes. I will win no doubt no matter how great the sacrafice. I know I want a lover no matter what you think, cause that is the intamicy In desire and it would help me get free. I need a lover face to face  to hold me and kiss me to let me know I am safe for now. Someone to keep me sane and loved. I need my hero and I will sacrafice what is needed for that to. Someone I can tell i'd come for them always.

Friday, November 13, 2009


Heard my message and makes it out to nothing. I think it is hard to make the time. Even on days off it has to be tough and time consuming on other important tasks at hand. I fell asleep to the sound of your words. I woke up to see you waiting. I only wake up and fall asleep to loneliness of missing  you. Please talk to me! I need you I need you. I have had you to thank from the start.You are the closets thing to a blood brother I got and far as im concerned we are true brothers. I need you like a little boy needs someone to tuck him in at night. Im the little boy who needs you and im crying out, but you don't seem to be able to answer... zacky... I need you.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Do I have a gurdian angel?

Life was fucked up then it keeps getting better how am I able to make it this far. Tell me what you know... do I have a guardian angel? Have I truly helped anyone in return? Guilty pleasures to love. I have it now and even though I need to get fully out of this hell hole, I am still finding more and more love. I know Ill make it now , but how did this happen... I  am curious to know what brought me and my friends here together and what brought us all to this point and on. I t don't matter much, but none the less I'd love to know.

Hurting on the inside

The pain of loosing my father lies in side everyday, it is a pain that will last a lifetime. I miss him and I need my dad and I know he'll never be back here. I want him home, but the truth is he is at home up in heaven. I am not in denial just  really upset. I am living a life without my father and full of sorrows. I wish i could tell my dad that I miss him and I love him very much. Life is horrible without him. I also would tell him I need him forever to keep me from going insane. I'm sorry for when I upset you and everything. I love you and wish you were still here so i could hug you and let you know hoe much I love you. I often cry of this new found lonelyness with the tears down my face as I cry and beg for him back. Please understand when i'm depressed you may not realize it, you do not care and that is why I hid it with anger. You would think i'm stupid for crying over it anymore. He was my dad and meant everything to me and you have no idea how close I was too him. I was closer to him than anyone else I know or ever will know or even know now. I always loved him and I still do with him in my heart.

Not coming home

Heres  a papa roach song i just heard and i believe it has some meaning and it and its a good song.

Lyrics: I feel asleep, to the sound
Of the church bells ringing out
In this quiet little town
I am dreaming.

I woke up to the sound
Of an angel crying out
Gotta leave this little town

Gotta move on

I'm not coming home, not coming home
This christmas I am all alone
I'm not coming home, not coming home
I am out here on the road(2x)

Gotta phonecall from my son
He said, dad, you're number one
Mommy's going nuts, think she's crazy
But your mother on the phone
I've gotta tell her she's not alone
Shes sick of waiting around
Then I tell her these words

I'm not coming home, not coming home
This christmas I am all alone
I'm not coming home, not coming home
I am out here on the road(2x)

Keep holding on,
It wont be long
But for now

I'm not coming home, not coming home
This christmas I am all alone
I'm not coming home, not coming home
I am out here on the road(2x)

Keep holding on,
It wont be long,
But for now

I'm not coming home

heres where you can listen to it :

Saturday, November 7, 2009

When is reveal time?

When will my answers be revealed and my problems be fixed? I need an answer peace. Is it reveal time for the love and help? I have the love I need now i follow my path for the answers I need. If I have the answers then reveal them to me. I take it here to hold in my hand the perfect life for me. I want this life and i strive for it. This is what I search for not love anymore, but simply the answers I deserve. Just as I got the love I deserve. I thought it pass me by although this isnt true. I need to know... when is everything to be  revealed to me?

How to bring understanding

I wanna bring them understanding, I wanna bring them the truth. They won't open their minds to consider anything at all. Exuses always with you. I don't care if you don't wanna listen to me. Just cause its me you think im wrong. Look at the truth your close minded and not open to understanding. I am more intellegent than you know. The feelings of yourself i realize are causing your actions. Actions affect people, people affect people in their own actions. Pain is a tough obstacle and is inflicted by all. Take in understanding to become a better person. Pain is only caused when one isn't stable. Accept understanding that i tell you and it will be ok. I can help you if you choose to listen. I offer truth and understanding please heed my words.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Why can't I?

I know the fields are we the children roam and play so why can't I? The kids find ways to have happiness so why can't I? The people around me have full lives so why can't I? I miss the ones who go out and have their friends and places. I feel alone sitting here at my computer while they all have such full lives. I miss you so much and I cry out... why can't I?! I'd come for you if you needed me, but lately you haven't needed me... although i've needed you. When your home you too tired. When you're gone I don't have you to talk to. Days off mean you relax and do nothing, Your days off I wanna spend with you. You seem to not wanna be online just to get alone time or see your friends more. I feel left out... you only come around these days to brag. Sorry the message is long, but this part is for one person I miss dearly. You think im fine now days. Truth is missing you cause me depression, I need you around cause you got me to this point. I'll defend your name through it all cause you were always there for me. Im sorry im so needy I just need you and am jealous of your full life. Happiness and all... I ask, I cry. Why can't I have a full life? Read my message cause I miss you and I need you to keep me sane and in check... I need your love and company. Without you it just isn't worth the hassle to fight. I'll fight and fight untill I win or if you some reason drift away and leave me. I will hold you to your words " i will never leave you" I believe you and I trust in your words. I am always thinking of you. My best friend in the whole world even hundreads of miles and way and have never met... your my brother and even though its not through blood it is through love. I love you zacky.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Through the eyes of a child

Only through the eyes of a child will the world look like a peaceful place. The world isnt a peaceful place, but though the eyes of a child it is a huge place with many secreats and fun things to do. Through the eyes of a teenager or adult life is full of ups and down, murdering and raping, and stress and  money issues. A child has no worries and can always bear a smile upon their face. They know not of the way the world turns and flows. They only see the good things the world has to offer. Perhaps we should learn from them and listen to their words as if they were the key to happiness. Chances are they know the true key to happiness and we are too stubborn to listen. Playing and fun is alright in my book. We never see that these little kids  who we think know nothing actually know the key to happiness. They have no worries or any stress. Their only concern is what they will do the next day and what they will eat. Can we learn from them or is it just impossible that could know the key to happiness something we search for and never find? They know what we want to know. Search the obvious places first and you may find it has been in your face all along.